You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
