I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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