Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
