I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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