i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
