I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
