I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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