apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
