As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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