You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
