yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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