Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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