i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
