Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
They have beer where we have blood.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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