I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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