Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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