everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
