My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
