an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize