I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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