i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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