someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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