i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
