While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
