i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
