I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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