So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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