How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You're a waste of cheezeits
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
