I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
