I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
