She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
what day is it and did you see me today?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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