Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
