It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
