I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize