I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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