I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
