every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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