i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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