Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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