Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so let's talk penis.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
