areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
