what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
