Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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