i just wanna soil my oats bro
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
