Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
