This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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