it's too hot outside to masturbate.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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