my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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