my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
