i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
