Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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