guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
