Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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