i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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