So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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