I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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