sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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