It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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