life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
did you just send me my own nude
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
