all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
