Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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