shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
