Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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