im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize