he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
