Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
