So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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