shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
