I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
